At COBRA, we have a useful philosophy: It is better to avoid than run; better to run than de-escalate; better to de-escalate than fight; better to fight than die.
What does this mean?
It means that you never want to get in to a fight if you don’t have to. If there is any chance to avoid getting into a physical confrontation, take it! You might know how to fight, but fights are very unpredictable and dangerous. You only fight if you are threatened or if you have no other options. If you can avoid it: don’t get into a physical confrontation.
Not getting into the physical fight is more important than your ‘pride’ or your ‘dignity’ or even ‘justice’. Your life is more important than those three things.
Purse snatcher grabs your purse and runs off? Don’t pursue him, it’s not worth it. You won’t get justice, but you avoid the fight and won’t endanger your life.
Some crazy/drunk/stoned/homeless/random guy aggressively calls you a rude word when you pass by him on the street? Don’t reply, don’t defend. Just walk on and ignore him. Not good for your dignity, but you avoid the fight and won’t endanger your life.
You’re annoyed with someone and tell them to cut out their rude behavior and they suddenly approach you threateningly. Swallow your pride, apologize and walk away. Not good for your pride, but you avoid the fight and won’t endanger your life.
So what is the best response? You SPEAK UP. Loudly and clearly. You make eye contact and tell the other person exactly that you want him to step away from you and leave you alone. You do not shout, you do not swear, you are not aggressive. You are assertive and firmly tell him that you are uncomfortable.
But what if talking to him pushes him over the edge?
Some people have expressed concern that talking like this could escalate a situation and that their words may “push him over the edge”. Is it possible that the guy will attack you because you’re stupid enough to speak up?
No. The only way your words will escalate the situation is when someone meant to harm you anyway. A normal guy will walk away. Some pervert who just meant to cop a feel with a shy girl will be so spooked by your attitude, and he will walk away.
The only man who will not walk away, is the man who means to harm you anyway. If your words escalate the situation it would have happened anyway. Only now it will be on your terms and not his. And at least you have some certainty.
Hearing this may feel scary. But understanding it can give you peace. It provides you with a real sense of comfort knowing that, if you are really targeted by one of the crazies out there, you won’t be at fault for saying you’re uncomfortable or for clearly stating your boundaries. Knowing that you can speak up and in 95% of the times get your personal space back (and lose that awful sense of being helpless and uncomfortable), can help overcome fear and empower you in an invaluable and forever kind of way.
Stay strong and safe. And always remember, it is better to avoid than run; better to run than de-escalate; better to de-escalate than fight; better to fight than die.
Do you agree or disagree? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
